Christmas Pants

December 24, 2009 at 10:36 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

There is no more beloved holiday tradition in the world than Christmas pants.  Just about everybody has their own pair of green and red pants, ornately decorated with images of reindeer, wreaths, candy canes, and wooden shoes; most of us receive our first pair from our grandparents on our eighth birthday, and replace them throughout life as we grow and/or stain the pants with egg nog and bourbon (giving the old pants, of course, a dignified burial in the family pants plot).  Every country has different traditions and rituals surrounding Christmas pants.  Here in the United States, children wear their Christmas pants to bed on Christmas Eve, in the hopes that they will be visited during the night by St. Shirley, the most beautiful woman in the world, who stuffs the pants’ pockets with gum, cashews, and rolls of Scotch tape (for there is nothing that American children love more than rolls of Scotch tape).  They are told that if they go to bed without their Christmas pants, St. Shirley in her righteous anger will turn into her true form, a grotesque wizened crone with a terrifying, mind-reading ape sidekick.  In Finland, all citizens are required by law to wear their Christmas pants nonstop from December 10 (The Feast of the Pantsmith) until January 4 (Ombudsman’s Day).  In Japan, a 15,000 square foot pair of Christmas pants is flown from the flagpole on the dome of the capital building in Tokyo, while in the Republic of Transylvania, the Vampire King wears his ornate Christmas pants, brocaded with silver thread and ermine, during his yearly televised Christmas address to the nation.  And of course, most other nations spend Christmas undertaking the most appalling pants-related debauchery imaginable.  But no matter how you celebrate – whether it be through the singing of pants carols, the drinking of pants cider, the giving of pants storage systems as gifts, or playing a rousing game of Pants-Pants – may your season be joyous, and your Christmas pants fit snugly! – J. Frederick

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