Reductio ad Hitlerum

December 23, 2009 at 8:54 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
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As all people now know, the best way to win any argument is through the tactic of Reductio ad Hitlerum.  Sometimes known as “playing the NAZI! card”, Reductio ad Hitlerum decimates your opponent by comparing his point of view or desired action to the beliefs and actions of ADOLF HITLER! or NAZI! Germany. If fact, you just have to somehow make any sort of connection to HITLER!, no matter how convoluted or irrelevant to achieve victory. For example, if your husband wants to have a fourth child and you don’t want to have one, you could say: “Did you know that HITLER! was a fourth child!” and you automatically win and can go get your tubes tied.

Reductio ad Hitlerum was first used in the town of Braunau am Inn in Austria-Hungary in the year 1889.  A woman named Klara was feeling sleepy and her husband, Alois, was feeling a bit randy.  Alois loosened his wife’s dirndl and began to move his moth towards his her breast.  She stopped him dead in his tracks by saying, “Guess who else suckles that nipple…ADOLF HITLER!” said the future Führer’s mom.

Some pundits claim that Reductio ad Hitlerum makes winning arguments too easy and say that it should be banned, but other pundits mention that banning the tactic is something that the NAZIS! would have done and so the tactic is still used.  Reductio ad Hitlerum plays an important part in preventing the United States Congress from pretty much doing anything.  Since both parties know about and employ the tactic, the result is always a tie unless one party has either far superior numbers or far more exuberant followers.  Whoever can invoke HITLER! louder and more often can drown out the other side and that is the only way any progress is made in America today.  Do you know what other government intervened in the economy?  The THIRD REICH!  What political party also thought the state should invest in infrastructure?  The NAZIS!  Another executive branch leader wrote a little book about race and inheritance back in the 1920s.  It was called MEIN KAMPF!  Such is today’s level of political discourse.

It is a mistake to assume that Reductio ad Hitlerum can only be used against people of Germanic ancestry. You can compare anyone to HITLER! be they Jew, Gentile, Muslim, African, Asian, Eskimo, male, female, etc.  It always works.  You don’t even really need to say a word to win an argument by invoking HITLER!  Just find a picture of your opponent somewhere, use imaging software to add a little mustache, print the image (you can just use a black marker to draw a mustache if you already have a printed image) and you have defeated anything the person in the image ever wanted to do in their life. For special bonus points, to really shut down any debate, alter an image so that the right arm is pointed straight out and slightly elevated with the palm face down in a NAZI! salute or just cut and paste the mustachioed face of your enemy onto an actual picture of HITLER!

(By the way, if you have not read every single entry of the Naïve’s Guide to Everything in the World, I would like to point out that you are like another person who never read every single entry. Do you want to be like that guy?  Do you know what his name was?  ADOLF HITLER!  He also didn’t tell all of his friends that they should read it, so if you don’t promote this site, you might as well start goose-stepping, invading Poland, and putting swastikas on everything.) – The Knave

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