Knives

December 22, 2009 at 10:05 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment
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Knives aren’t funny.  Sometimes this encyclopedia has a tendency to descend into “jokes” or “japes” or “humorisms” but not this time, because knives are some serious business.  First things first: knives are sharp.  They can (a) slice you up good or (b) cut you to the quick.  That’s just two of their fourteen uses (sixteen in Europe).  Knives aren’t playing around, Son.  Knives!  Think it’s funny?  Stop thinking that and think something else.  These are knives, Junior.  It’s enough to make you down the rest of your scotch, stab out your smoke, sit up, and take notice.  Knives!  Knew these two guys once; one had a knife, the other one messed with the other one.  Guess which one came out on top.  Here’s a hint, Brother: if you had been there, and you hadn’t had a knife, it wouldn’t have been you, either.  Starting to get the picture?  This ain’t preschool anymore Mac, and you ain’t exactly tugging at Mommy’s apron strings.  You’re a man now, and the world won’t sit still for a young’un what’s laughing at knives.  Knives!  So you think you’re ready?  Think you want to go get some knives of your own?  Think again, Buster.  When you’re ready, knives will come to you – that’s what I’m here to tell you, Sunshine.  Knives!  This isn’t playtime, Mister.  This isn’t Comedy Hour.  This isn’t amateur night at the Laugh-Time Place.  Think you’ll be laughing when you’ve got the business end of a knife coming at you, Jimmy?  Sorry to burst your bubble, Cupcake: they’re both the business end.  Knives!  So straighten up and fly right, Jack, because these aren’t your little ha-ha funny-time jokes.  These are knives.  And didn’t I tell you once that knives were sharp? – J. Frederick

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