December 17, 2009 at 12:35 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

Dolphins are the stupidest animals on Earth.  Although their brains are bigger than humans’ brains, not one dolphin has yet discovered how to make fire or invented the wheel.  Modern dolphins evolved over ten million years before modern humans did and they have not learned such basic skills as flint knapping or parallel parking.  Believe it or not, these morons can’t even figure out how not to swim into tuna nets.  Even a dog knows to go the other way when a big net is coming and their brains are much smaller than dolphin brains.  Even a cockroach would try to get a way, but not a dolphin.  The other day, I saw a dolphin and said, “Dumb-ass dolphin says click-click-squeak,” and the idiot went “click-click-squeak”.  Despite my general respect for the late, great author Douglas Adams, his claim that dolphins were the second most intelligent animals on Earth was way off base, although I do agree that dolphins are stupider than mice.  Have you ever seen a mouse get its nose stuck in the ring of a plastic six-pack can carrier?  Of course not.  Mice aren’t complete dullards.

A dolphin can’t even solve a base-2 Sudoku Puzzle.  I began to pose this little logic quiz to a dolphin just last week.  “Assume that these two statements are true: I poison every fish I touch.  I am now holding a tasty looking fish in my hand and dangling it over your dolphin tank.”  Before I finished the last part where I ask the dolphin if the statement that the fish in my hand is poisoned is true or false, the half-witted cretinous beast jumped out of the water, did a reverse somersault and ate the damned fish right from my hand.  “What an imbecile,” I said as I laughed and pointed at it twitching in the throws of a terrible death and added, “Dolphins are such boneheads.”  These are creatures that once walked on land and made a conscious decision to go back into the ocean where they could swim in their own urine and feces.  Dolphins? More like dolt-fins and I bet not one of these numskull cetaceans will even post a comment under this entry to disagree. – The Knave

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