December 10, 2009 at 9:23 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

The best way to get to get to the root of what makes a keyboard a keyboard is to interview it.  What follows is the transcript of such an interview:

NG: Good afternoon.  How are you today?
KB: I’m feeling just qwerty. (chuckles) And you?
NG: Dvorak I guess, since this is an interview for WordPress.  Thank-you for asking.
KB: That Matt Mullenweg sure is a loose key.  Between you and me, I think all Dvorak keyboards should be melted down and recycled into park benches.
NG: Isn’t that racist?
KB: No, it’s not.
NG: Okay, I guess I’ll have to take your word for that.  Let’s get right into it now.  What is a keyboard?
KB: A keyboard is a gateway to the universe.  Without keyboards, there would be no literature, no Internet, no commerce.  Government would shut down and the world would come to a standstill.  Computers run modern society and the only way for you humans to interact with them is through us.  People would have to go back to pen and paper and typesetting books by hand.
NG: What about touch screens or speech recognition?
KB: Passing fads.  It’s all about the keyboard.
NG: The mouse?
KB:  Let me tell you a little something about the mouse.
NG: Please do.
KB:  If you have a mouse, you have a problem.
NG: They keep eating your cheese?
KB: Of course not. Mice are lactose intolerant.  As if their droppings aren’t bad enough, now you want to give them diarrhea, flatulence, and nausea? 
NG: It was just a joke.
KB:  Don’t ever take a mouse lightly.  You may think that a mouse seems like a pleasant way to interact with a computer as it sits there all cute and nestled in your hand, but just you wait.  Sooner or later, it will turn on you, bite you, and give you rabies or bubonic plague.  Mice hate humans and are just biding their time until they kill you all. 
NG: Isn’t that the other kind of mouse?
KB: That’s what they want you to think, the subtle bastards. 
NG: How do you feel about the touchpad?
KB: Everyone knows that touchpads suck.
NG: Touché.  So what is the future of the keyboard?
KB: The future is already here.  The Optimus Maximus keyboard has 113 keys, each with a 48 x 48 pixel liquid crystal display, giving it unlimited customizability.  You can program each key to display anything you want.
NG: Wouldn’t it be better to have a touch screen, where you could customize not only every key, but even the number and size of each key?
KB:  I should have known this was some sort of ambush by the “lame stream” media.  This interview is over. – The Knave

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