Non-FictionOctober 9, 2009 at 11:03 am | Posted in The Knave | 2 Comments
Non-fiction, sometimes referred to as actuality, is any account of real things, events, people, places, thoughts, experiences and so forth. Some say it is very telling that for most of the world, the base group of writings is “fiction,” and then all writing about reality is defined in terms of being disallowed from that main, proper group. Others are jerks who edit those people’s Wikipedia entries to read “citation needed” whenever they make such an observation. Still other others point out that fiction derives from a Latin root meaning to “create”, while yet another group would mention that Latin is a dead language and that those other others will be dead too if they don’t stop being such smarty-pantses. A few would say that the act of creating fictional work is a superior art to just writing down a bunch of stuff that happened. Many would agree with this and go on to say that they would much rather read the fanciful imaginings of Lewis Carroll than the transcripts of the meetings of the Senate Environmental Sub-committee on Bovine Eructation. Hearing this, a certain population would point out that non-fiction is practical and applicable to the world and therefore can contribute to the betterment of the entire human race. One guy named Ralph would then add that the two divisions of literature should actually be “faction” and “non-faction”, because the base unit of writing should be anchored in reality. A guy coming out of a 7-11 with the latest Dan Brown paperback might then give Ralph a little shove and say, “Who’s making stuff up now, buddy-boy?”
The point is this: Non-fiction is truth. Once something is made up, it ceases to be non-fiction and therefore becomes the opposite of truth. Fictions are lies. Lies are as evil as made of wood witches, and therefore should be burned. Non-fiction does not get the respect it deserves. The only way it will get this respect is to destroy every work of fiction on Earth. Only in a world where children ask their parents, “Mums and Daddums, why do we have books called ‘non-fiction’ when there is no such thing as ‘fiction’?” can humanity be free to prosper unshackled by the weight of these fictitious lies. Imagine a world where the script to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen didn’t exist and instead we spent the $200,000,000 converting a real Camaro into a sentient robot with a plasma cannon, missile launchers, and the inability to speak except through his car radio? Suppose we didn’t read about how The Da Vinci Code led a man to discover that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a living descendant and instead learned something more important like the fact that Leonardo Da Vinci created the first ever printed version of the rhombicuboctahedron. As is always the case with fiction, reading the novel completely wastes your time on what essentially amounts to bull’s fecal matter, whereas, if all fiction were obliterated, you could show off the obscure, but true, fact you had learned about Leonardo’s rhombicuboctahedron at a dinner party and impress your pretentious boss. – The Knave
P.S.: The Mary Magdalene and Jesus thing is just nonsense, because it would be impossible to prove that any remains were actually those of Mary Magdalene and therefore genetically matching them to a living person would not establish anything and so the whole idea of any related conspiracies to cover up the relationship is simply implausible. And why would they have started covering this up in the first place when no one knew about DNA for more than a thousand years of the conspiracy? Prior to DNA, the church could have just denied any alleged connection and besides, how can anyone, including Maury Povich, prove Jesus was the father without Jesus’s DNA? Mary was a prostitute, so the father could have been anyone in the Roman Empire with twenty denarii. Also, why is it called the “Da Vinci” code? That is basically calling it the “of Vinci” (as in the town where Leonardo was born) code. If Dan Brown was a born again Christian, I guess he would take “of Nazareth” as his personal Lord and Savior.