August 6, 2009 at 10:24 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

Insomnia is a great mystery to many people, that they think about as they lie in their beds, trying to get to sleep, wondering why it is that no matter how long they lie down, counting sheep, tensing their muscles, waiting for drugs to take effect, thinking about getting that glass of warm milk that people always talk about in movies and in television shows that seems really disgusting, because there is a reason that milk is refrigerated and if warm milk was good for people they would sell it that way, but then they remember that there is milk that can be bought warm, usually in a cardboard container and it seems like it must be okay because it is ultra pasteurized and then pasteurized again, or at least they think they remember seeing that that kind of milk was triple pasteurized and maybe if milk is pasteurized enough it can be drunk warm like this milk and there is also condensed milk that comes in cans, or at least usually comes in cans and this milk is sometimes called for in recipes, but if it can be cooked with, it is probably okay to drink too, but then maybe it is only good if it is cooked and cooking it makes it warm, so they can’t take it anymore get out of bed and boot up the computer to do some research on the topic on Wikipedia and find that condensed milk is actually a sort of thick sugary paste that doesn’t sound very drinkable because all of the water has been removed and then they read about evaporated milk, which is probably what they were thinking about when they were thinking about the warm milk in cardboard containers at the supermarket and it turns out the evaporated milk still has some of the water in it, but a lot has been evaporated and if you were to add the rest of the water back in, it would be just like normal milk, but the reason it can be stored warm in the store is that it has been homogenized and sealed in its container to prevent spoilage so it would definitely need to be refrigerated after opening the box, since it is basically just like normal milk, just half the volume due to the removed water and then they read some articles about insomnia on Wikipedia, but it’s no help since they have had insomnia for a long time and have seen a doctor and know all of the various theories and remedies, which haven’t worked, so they are back in bed at the point of thinking about how they cannot sleep and they still can’t get the notion out of their head that if they were just to go and heat up some milk, everything would be okay, if only in that they would finally stop thinking about warm milk, so they get out of bed again and go and heat up some milk and drink it and find that it doesn’t taste terrible, but that it is somewhat off-putting and then they realize that maybe the reason they couldn’t sleep was that they needed to go to the bathroom and so they go to the bathroom and maybe are successful there and maybe they are not successful there and either way they have to go back to bed, because if they are going to sleep, that is the place where the sleeping will happen, but now that they have lain down in bed they remember that they drank the milk and that milk is a liquid and that it is only a matter of time before they will have to go to the bathroom again so that if they do finally get to sleep because of the warm milk they will only be awakened again by the need to go to the bathroom, so they just lie there looking up at the ceiling waiting until they have to go to the bathroom so that they can take care of that and then they will be okay to sleep through the night, but by that point it is getting toward dawn and they worry that they will not be able to get to sleep in time to have enough quality sleep to wake up in time to go to work and so maybe it would be better to just stay up through the night, but then staying up will mean that they will not be productive at work and it sounds like the toilet is running still, so they get up and go into the bathroom to see if the water in the tank is still running, but it isn’t and everything is okay, so they go back to bed and then wonder if the milk was ever put away, because even if the warm milk turned out to be okay, it would not be good to let the milk stay warm and turn sour, because only the amount to be immediately drunk should be warmed, and since they are sure that unrefrigerated milk will turn sour unless they buy that milk that doesn’t need to be refrigerated, but even that kind of milk would need to be refrigerated once the container was open, but in any case, that is not the kind of milk that is currently in the house, so they go and check to make sure that the milk is indeed in the refrigerator, which it is, so they go back up to bed and the sky is lightening from pitch black to a dark gray and now there are only a few more hours left until it is time to wake up so maybe it would be a good idea if they watch television for thirty minutes and then try to get two hours of sleep and so they turn on the television and watch an infomercial about buying gems wholesale, but it begins to repeat after thirty-five minutes and so they turn it off and try to sleep again, but by now the birds are chirping and the sky is a light gray and the traffic is picking up, so they finally give up and drift off to sleep twenty minutes before the alarm goes off and when it does, they hit the snooze button every nine minutes until they have slept for an additional ninety minutes in ten segments of nine minutes each in between hitting the snooze button and now they realize that if they don’t jump out of bed right now and get in the shower, they will be late for work unless they are very lucky and make all of the traffic lights and don’t get behind a garbage truck or a school bus and so they hit the snooze button one more time hoping to get lucky and then nine minutes later, they quickly run to the shower and get mostly dressed, saving buttoning buttons and tying shoes until they are in the car stopped at red lights and hopefully reading this run on sentence has made all of you insomniacs out there drowsy, so go get some shut-eye. – The Knave

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