i (and also j)

July 20, 2009 at 10:21 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
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The letter of the alphabet that we speak the same as the word “eye” should be suspended from our language.  Such a vowel can only be a pox to all who use the letter when they put pen to paper.  We should also purge the consonant that represents the sound spoken when you start to pronounce “Germany” for the same reason.

Why delete these letters from all of our books and from our language?  The dots.  Why have dots?  What could be the reason to add small specks above these letters?    These superfluous motes are anathema to any levelheaded human.  Why should we elevate our pens from our documents to make an unnecessary dot when the letters are perfectly clear when the dots are left off?  A lower case “t” needs the cross or would be taken as an “l”.  One can see the sense of that.  However, these two letters are spot on when the spots are off.  No dots are necessary.  Unless those who control our language agree to remove the rule that we must use these accursed dots, we should boycott both letters.

There are many reasons to dump the dots.  Any aesthete knows that a state of true beauty can only be reached when all redundant and needless bagatelle has been removed.  Only then can we get to the pure and perfect.  These small round marks add no value.  They are only extraneous complexness.  There can be no legendary storybooks or great poems when all works are marred by such a flaw. 

Another reason: waste. We cannot afford to squander our rare resources. These dots, these letter-top pustules, represent sheer excess and have caused untold harm to our culture. Here we have proof that less can be more. There are many examples.  A young dreamer from Utah could have been named to the Supreme Court, but she was tempted to use the spaces above those two letters to add flowers and hearts and stars and skulls as replacements for the dots and was not able to study enough to graduate college near the top of her class.  She could not even send out a respectable resume let alone pass the bar exam due to the way she festooned every one of those two letters she saw. A smart, clever, and able eleven-year-old boy from Seattle dreamt that he would one day launch a spacecraft to the stars.  At school, he would always forget to dot the tops of those two letters and therefore always earned bad grades and could not pass the Palmer Method class.  He was left back a grade and would never become an astronaut.  A venture undertaken by the Oxford Press to catalog the whole vocabulary of our language was completed a full three years after when the work would have been completed had they left two letters un-dotted.  The new text won’t be completed before 2037 surely due to the lack of backbone needed by the creators to exclude these confounded specks.

Some may argue that they have a reason for the dots.  They say that when you use longhand, two of these letters together could be taken as a “u” or the other way around.  Nonsense.  The same people can offer no example of where someone would be confused.  They only have a theory, not a problem that could occur.  Even should a case be found, the concern could be addressed reasonably. For example, a small break could be added between the letters when what was meant was not clear.  Such an elegant answer to the problem can clearly be seen as preferable to the mess made by excess dots speckled all over our poetry and prose.  Others arguments are made, but they are easy to contravene.

They contend, “No one uses a pen these days, so the removal of the dots has become unnecessary due to the advent of computers.” How so? “The presence of the dot has no effect on the effort needed to depress a key and you could even create a new font where there were no dots and then not bother anyone anymore.” What about the other reasons?  “Even were the arguments about beauty and waste sound, you could use the upper case letters at the start of sentences and for proper names.”  And weaken the battle to cleanse our language of the dots? “A boycott would be dumb because no one cares and even were people to care, no one has the power to make that change to those two letters for everyone on Earth who speak the language.”  So?  “You could always use all-caps.”  Aren’t assholes the only ones who use all-caps?  “True. That’s why you should too.”  Would you put your name on my Statement of Demand for a Dot-less Alphabet? Clearly beaten, they walk away. Any laughter or mockery must be due to an unrelated occurrence.

These defenders of the spots go too far.  Some even make small loops rather than dots so that the appearance of these two letters can be seen to represent holy prophets adorned by heavenly halos. Enough already. To subvert a good sense act such as the one undertaken here can only be expressed as unendurable. Please be sure to comment below to support our efforts so that forevermore we must never dot any letter.  As for other languages, they don’t matter (and don’t even get me started on the umlaut).

P.S. The person who posts the blog may use the two detestable letters at the top of the entry due to the format, but rest assured that the boycott shall not end before the partakers have forced change! – The Knave

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