Tennis Balls

July 15, 2009 at 10:26 am | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment

The most Shakespearean of all balls, the tennis ball is easily recognized by its yellow, fuzzy exterior and its location in a pressurized tube next to two other tennis balls. Outside of stores, tennis balls also exist, but are more difficult to pick out. Though usually found around or even on tennis courts, they may also be located next to tennis rackets, in tennis bags, or in the garages of tennis players.

Here is everything you need to know about tennis balls so you do not end up doing something foolish with one like hitting it with a baseball bat, which is a real danger, because all tennis balls begin as baseballs. The red stitches are removed from the baseball and the two leather pieces separated from the interior components of the ball. Next, the yarn surrounding the cork center is unwrapped by no fewer than seven kittens. The exposed core is discarded. A hollow rubber sphere is then added to the construction. These spheres can only be manufactured under a gibbous moon on a cloudless night within ten kilometers of the Cape of Good Hope. Make sure that the air pressure inside the ball is twice that of outside the ball, or you may accidentally create a black hole. The final step is to melt the Optic Yellow felt onto the rubber in the same pattern as the leather removed from the baseball at the beginning of the process.

Before you play with your balls, you must make sure that you have chosen the correct weight. The weight of a tennis ball is indicated by a number from one to ten printed on the felt covering of the ball near the brand name or by no number. Here is a partially all-inclusive list of the ball numbers currently in use and their respective weights:

Blank:  2 ounces
1:  5 and 67/100 dekagrams
2:  32 drams
3:  0.125 pounds
4:  0.0089 stone
5:  283.5 carats
6:  875 grains
7:  36.5 pennyweight
8:  56,699,046,250,000,000 femtograms
9:  1.82 troy ounces
10:  43.75 scruples

Any other number on a tennis ball indicates that it was not made in South Africa and is therefore counterfeit. Report such balls to the CIA as they may not be one of the weights above. Use of improper balls may cause your racket to shatter and poke out your eyeball. Also, your dog could die and your mother come down with lumbago. When the felt has worn down or the pressure inside the ball equalized, tennis balls are no longer any good for tennis, but do not just throw them away. They can be recycled in the following ways:

• Plugging small spaceship hull ruptures caused by micrometeorites
• Cut in half and used to play stickball
• Converted into bongs
• Made into homes for cute field mice (ugly varmints need not apply!)
• Bra fillers for cross-dressing comedy skits
• Hole cut in top so that a chair or table leg can be inserted to protect floors
• Door stops
• Replacement Barbie heads
• Balls for other sports such as wall-ball or paddleball or street hockey
• Bounced for fun
• Huffing glue
• To form Neptune in school science project solar system models
• Stacked for Guinness World Record (current record is 1)
• Attached to the top of car antenna for easy identification in crowded parking lot
• As cover for trailer hitch
• Orally inserted as diet aid
• Heroine needle safety
• Tennis-o-lantern
• Juggling to impress the opposite sex
• Throwing at your enemies
• Draw a face on one and make it your best friend
• Concealing methamphetamines
• Used to inspire you to come up with ideas for additional uses

 – The Knave

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