Noah & His Ark

June 29, 2009 at 3:21 pm | Posted in The Knave | Leave a comment
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In his youth, Lamech was often referred to as a giant prude.  He retained his virginity until he was one hundred eighty one and a half years old.  One fateful night, he went to investigate some noises behind the goat-shack, when a slutty maiden whose name he never learned, accosted him.  She had hoped to hook up with the goatherder, but he had become enamored with a certain nanny goat and missed their rendezvous.  Her loins all aflutter, she mounted the startled Lamech, who, being a virgin, was unskilled in the art of “pulling out”.  Nine months later, after a scimitar wedding, the newlywed couple begat a son, whom they named Noah.  For the next five hundred ninety five years, Lamech continued to let his wife mount him like the stud he had become, but he never mastered the timing of the whole “pulling out” business, and so they kept begetting sons and daughters until Lamech died, much to the distress of his son, grandsons and a certain God named Yahweh.

With Lamech gone, Yahweh decided that nothing living on Earth deserved to go on being alive.  He was quite put out by the violence of all things, including two-month-old girls, but then His Eye chanced upon the deeds of the first of Lamech’s children and He decided here was a man with grace and charm.  He decided to contact Noah via thunderous voice from the clouds:

“Noah.  I’m about to slaughter every living thing on this planet, including animals, fish, plants, men, women, children, and fetuses.  You might want to build an ark.”

“What’s an ark?” Noah asked.

“It’s Yiddish for boat.  Now listen up.  You probably already know this, but if you are going to make an ark, you have to make it out of gopher wood.  It might also be a good idea to use some pitch for waterproofing, because there will be more water raining down on you than actually currently exists on the whole planet.”

“What’s a planet?” Noah asked.

“The really big flat thing you are standing on with all the animals and crops and rivers and mountains is actually a planet, which is an enormous sphere with a molten metal core and not flat at all.  It orbits a giant ball of gas called a star which is powered by the fusion of hydrogen atoms….” God saw the confusion on Noah’s face and just said, “Never mind.  Just get enough gopher wood to make a boat 100 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.  Give yourself a nice window, about a cubit square.  The ark should have three decks divided into rooms and some sort of door to get inside.”

“Sounds lovely,” Noah said.

“Yes,” God agreed. “You can bring your old lady, your sons and your daughters-in-law on the ark.  Also bring two of every living creature that wouldn’t survive a year adrift in the ocean, so they won’t die when I wantonly kill everything else.  From creepy-crawlies to majestic birds, from the humble vole to the mighty elephant, from the tiny six pound compsognathus to the enormous thirty five ton brachiosaurus, from the simple goldfish to the giant white sturgeon, they will all be murdered by Me unless they are the two of each that I have instructed you to load onto the ark. Make sure the two are composed of one male and one female.  You must be ready by the time you turn six hundred.”

Noah did as the Lord said and built his gopher wood supertanker.  Animals started arriving and at times Noah wondered how the kangaroos and polar bears had made it to the Middle East so quickly.  That the North American Catfish had left their fresh water habitats and swum across the ocean impressed Noah very much.  His wife began naming the 640 humming birds, two of each species, but was clearly running out of names with Mr. and Mrs. Hums-a-lot III.  He wondered what she would do with the 4,554 rodents, 24,800 ants, or the 700,000 beetles.  Some of the carnivores were not so good at queuing and began to eat the others, which was causing big problems.   There was one allosaurus that just would not stay away from the stegosaurs.

Noah smiled, thinking back to the apatosaurus, Reggie, he had owned as a kid five hundred ninety years ago.  Then a tear came to his eye when he remembered how Reggie died in a diplodocus stampede.  His father, Lamech, had given him a speech about the circle of life.  Loading Reggie’s body onto that cart and bringing the corpse over to his friend Billy’s house was the toughest thing he ever did, but the happy expression on Billy’s tyrannosaurus rex’s face when the two friends began chopping the apatosaurus up and feeding the tyrant lizard showed him that his father had spoken true.

When Noah turned six hundred, he began to wonder when the Lord would begin His premeditated murder of everything alive.  “Are you there, God?  It’s me, Noah,” said Noah.

“I am here.  Let’s go over a check list,” spake the Lord.  “Ark made of gopher wood sealed with pitch?”


“You have the animals?” God asked.


“Your family?”


“A year’s worth of food for your family, two of every unclean animal and seven pairs of every clean animal?” asked the Divine Creator of All Things.

“Um, seven of every what now?”

“Wasn’t I clear, you senile old man?  You have a week to get twelve more of all the clean animals.  Oh, and you might want to bring seeds or cuttings from every plant in the world that can’t survive in total darkness at a depth of 29,000 feet below the ocean surface for six months too.”

“Thanks for the tip, God,” Noah said and he and his family hastily gathered all of the requisite kosher animals and plant matter.  On the seventh day, thick clouds gathered.

“Yahweh, can you hear me?” Noah called.  “Just how much will it rain?”

“It is going to rain a lot!” spake the Lord.  “Normally, 500 inches of rain in a year would be a lot, but to flood the entire Earth, so that all of the mountains are covered, I, your Lord, will make it rain 350,000 inches in forty days.  That means every day, it will rain 8,750 inches or 364 inches every hour.  Everywhere on the entire planet, the water level will rise 6 inches per minute, but don’t worry, My dear Noah.  Your gopher wood boat full of lions and tigers and bears and eagles and dinosaurs will protect you.”

“Your plan is great, oh Lord!” said Noah, while mostly preventing himself from rolling his eyes. 

It began to rain.  All went well for several seconds.  Noah and his crew of seven checked on the millions of animals they had packed into their three-story gopher wood boat.  They had been forced to stack the animals from smallest to largest into every nook of the ship and some of the beasts were even slipped into the crannies of other animals.  Mostly, they did not like this.  Fortunately, Noah’s son Japheth had gathered a large number of annual, dioecious, flowering herbs, which he called Cannabis sativa and brought them along on the ark.  The smoke from burning the leaves of these plants in a preparation called “marijuana” calmed most of the animals down. Unfortunately, it made the dinosaurs paranoid.  They all came to believe that a meteor was going to come down to the Earth and kill them all. They also got something called the “munchies”.  Although Noah had gathered enough “ark manna” to feed millions of animals for a full year, the dinosaurs wanted more and started eating each other until only Denver, the last dinosaur, remained. 

The ark drifted through millions of animal and human corpses, which had floated to the surface after being cruelly drowned by a just and loving God.  Everything smelled better once the bloated rotting corpses began to sink.  Well, it would have smelled better were it not for the incredible amount of feces and urine produced every second on the ark.  Noah, Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their four wives whose names they had never bothered to learn, did their best to keep all the animals alive and in good health, despite seasickness, disease, malnourishment, and muscle atrophy. For forty days and forty nights, rain fell and the ark rose nearly 30,000 feet from the place it was built. 

Finally, the rain stopped, but the water remained.  150 days later, some species, such as the pair of Labord’s Chameleons, were suffering from extreme death, since they only live for five months after hatching from their eggs and it had been a long walk from Madagascar just to get on the ark to begin with. 

Suddenly God seemed to remember his euthanizing of everything alive that displeased his sensibilities.  A wind came and blew the mysterious water that had magically been added to the Earth’s mass back to wherever it had come from and the waters abated.  The ark came to rest in the Mountains of Ararat in the seventh month after the rains first flooded the land.  By the tenth month, the other mountains could be seen.  Now that the ark was on solid ground and the waters were receding, the crew had to walk further and further every day to dump all of the feces and urine the animals created into the ocean.

Forty days later, Noah opened the ark’s window and threw out a raven that had just pooped on the left one of his best sandals.  When a dove, crapped on the right sandal, he threw that out the window as well.  The birds eventually returned and Noah’s wife let them back into the ark.  A week, later, Noah saw the dove in the hold perched on the nose of a saber tooth tiger.  He grabbed the bird and tossed it off the ark.  The dove returned with an olive leaf, which must have come from a tree that had mysteriously continued growing despite being submerged under five miles of brackish water for a year.  For a week, the eight living humans discussed theories of how to explain the olive branch.  This was disrupted by that same dove, which flew over Noah while he was yawning and did something that resulted in the bird being kicked off the boat once more.  Thankfully, it did not return. 

Noah, now six-hundred-one-years old, popped the top off of the ark and looked around.  He climbed up on the back of a wooly mammoth and as far as he could see, the ground was dry.  Noah decided to play it safe and made everyone wait in the ark for two more months, just to be sure.  The crew and animals were getting antsy and the wives started using God’s name repeatedly in an attention-getting fashion.

“It is time to de-ark,” God eventually called down to Noah.  “The flood is over, the land is dry…why are all the animals so high?”

“Don’t worry, God,” said Noah, “it was just a little herbal remedy for sea-sickness concocted by my son.  The one in dreadlocks playing with the Hacky SackÒ.” 

The ark was emptied and every living thing was allowed to be fruitful and multiply to refill the ravaged Earth.  That is to say all of the unclean animals went forth.  Most of the clean animals, Noah gathered together, killed and burned in offering to his Lord.

Yahweh, smelling this savory barbeque, decided to drink a few beers and began making promises.  He said He would never commit mass worldwide genocide in the same manner again.  However, He was sober enough to hold back from promising there wouldn’t be any more genocides or murders or suffering or torture or disease or any of those other uncomfortable things He could easily stop, but would prefer not to.  To seal His promise not to murder by drowning all but eight members of the entire human population of the planet, Yahweh refracted some light.

Noah celebrated by planting some grapes vines, allowing them to fruit, picking the grapes, crushing them up, allowing the juice to ferment and then getting drunk. While their father restarted the wine industry, his sons and daughter-in-laws got fruitful and multiplied.

One day, Noah had gotten his drink on good and passed out naked in his tent.  His youngest son, Ham, walked in on his father and saw his gopher wood and knots hanging out.  Mortified, he exited the tent and told his brothers what he had seen.  The sight of the dangling scrotum of a six-hundred-plus-year-old man was not something easily gotten over.  Ham also wondered how Noah had brought forth three sons considering his father’s flesh ark only measured a tenth of a cubit.  To prevent anyone else from having their retinas permanently scarred, Shem and Japheth carefully backed into the tent holding a garment between their shoulders and covered up their father’s snake and apples while managing to not actually see him naked.

When Noah came out of his drunken stupor, he remembered nothing except a girlish shriek and the sight of his youngest son standing over him, staring at his raven and doves.  Embarrassed by the fact that Ham now knew that he had been better endowed than his father when he was a toddler, Noah decided he must punish his son…by punishing his son’s son.  Ham’s oldest son, Canaan, was the spawn of Cain and A-balls superior to Noah’s, and so would be cursed.  Canaan would forever be a servant of his cousins and uncles.  That would show Ham not to accidentally walk in on Noah when he fell unconscious while playing lonely nudist!

Ham, Shem and Japheth made many babies, and there was more cousin-loving amongst their children than you could find human bones embedded with shark teeth strewn about everywhere.  Sadly, at the tender age of nine hundred fifty, Noah, to whom we are all related if you go back four thousand years or so, died.  The ark was eaten by Ararat mountain gophers once it had aired out for a few decades.  The wooly mammoths and saber tooth tigers probably died out while helping to build the pyramids or something.  Denver was last seen in California. – The Knave

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