Spittoon Baboon

June 26, 2009 at 9:49 am | Posted in Jonny R Goode | Leave a comment

Spittoon Baboon is the popular children’s cartoon character of the future.  If any animators, Hollywood executives, or millionaire benefactors are reading this, you’re gonna want to hear me out. Spittoon, the “Smoking Simian,” lives in an enchanted tobacco grove with The Tsar of Cigars and Pipe Smoke Bloke.  Together, they fight off the wicked advances of Lord Legislation and the P.C. Patrol.  When times are good, they take “long, lovely drags from their Fabulous Fags,” as detailed in the show’s boss-nova inspired theme song.  A typical episode will find “Spitty B.” blowing smoke rings (and stars and spirals!) in the Bar Light, Bar Bright, First Bar I’ve Seen Tonight.  When Lord Legi tries to get him to stub out his “Bliss Cylinder,” Spitty responds by putting it out on the Lord’s hand, then kicks out the stool from underneath him so that the chin of the “Cruel Fool” hits bartop, rattling his teeth.  The Tsar of Cigars then removes a Gold-Gilded Royal Scepter from underneath his robes, and beats the “Asshole” to within an inch of his “Magic Lifeforce.” “Right-o!  That’s done it, boys!” exclaims Pipe Smoke Bloke in his rich Cockney tones.  The Baboon then hocks a black chunk onto the dome of the “Lil’ Lordie,” and it’s off into the night for a piece of tail.  “Caw, have a butcher’s at the bristols on that Brass Cart,” remarks the Bloke, in reference to the stunning and glamorous Lady Lionessa, “Wot I wouldn’t give for a roll in the King’s Pay with ‘er…”  The “Nicotine Chimp” then performs a sashay beneath the streetlamp, and they all three descend on the purring feline like scythes to the harvest.  I’ve got a press pack with funny pictures so give a shout Tinseltown! – Jonny R. Goode

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