Colonel Mustard

June 18, 2009 at 2:40 pm | Posted in Jonny R Goode | 1 Comment
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Colonel (or “Lieutenant”) Mustard (or “Mayonnaise”) is an unpopular board game character in a very popular board game.  The game in question is “Cluedo.”  The question in “Cluedo” is “Who killed Mr. Body?”  The answer in question is “Colonel Mustard with Professor Plum in Miss Scarlett.”  To get to the answer, one follows the clues. Here’s a clue: Colonel Mustard is not a real Colonel.  Here’s another clue: Colonel Mustard IS a real mustard.  When I play Cluedo (or Lifedo, or Monopolydo) I eat pretzels with mustard like some sort of German.  The German in question is Adolf Mustard.  Or Heinrich Cluedo.  In 1944, Colonel Mustard was caught behind enemy lines.  They tortured him, but he refused to tell them where the lead pipe was (it was in the Conservatory.)  They rigged him to a machine.  He protested.  They demanded to know who killed Mrs. Peacock in the Rope Room with the Kitchen.  He denied them their answer.  They switched on the machine.  A bolt of DNA shot through the Colonel, causing electrics all up and down his body.  He yelled, then melted.  What was once a human body became yellow: mustard.  The Germans turned him into his least favorite condiment.  He oozed into the secret passage connecting the torture room to the Billiard Room.  He climbed into Hitler’s mouth.  Hitler wheezed.  He clutched his throat.  He begged for some water (Colonel Mustard had horseradish in him.)  Hitler flailed, then died.  Here’s a final Clue: Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with his own mutated body. (SPOILER ALERT) – Johnny R. Goode

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