June 10, 2009 at 9:22 am | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

Scandinavia is a geographical region in Northern Europe encompassing the nations of Norway, Sweden, and Denmark, which are united by similar language, culture, and history.  It is also totally awesome.  Scandinavia is where Vikings are from, and it also has reindeer, sleds, and death metal.  Scandinavia kicks so much ass it’s crazy.  The other day I was listening to Led Zeppelin and reading Tolkien and I was thinking about how rad it would be if there was really this kind of like ice kingdom with ice castles and tundra and a totally hot Snow Queen with this like ermine cloak and a black leather bodice thing, and then I realized that there really is, and it’s Scandinavia.  That’s literally what the government and infrastructure of Scandinavia are like.  Also the Scandinavians used to have the most wicked gods, the Norse gods, who lived in mountains and made swords and slaughtered dudes for a living.  I mean the Roman gods were pretty cool, and there’s of course something to be said for the Polynesian pantheon, but the Norse gods smoked them all.  Nowadays Scandinavians might seem like small, meek, pale blond men who design furniture and eat fish- and berry-based meals, but don’t be fooled: they are actually total badasses who rape, pillage, wield battleaxes, and burn down churches.  Every single one of them.  If I lived in Scandinavia too, instead of in my parents’ house in Des Moines, then everything would be totally killer, and I wouldn’t keep getting thrown into detention for carving trolls and band logos into my desk.  Everything’s better in Scandinavia, dude.  (Except ABBA.  ABBA blows.) – J Frederick

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