Laodicean

June 1, 2009 at 1:46 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | 1 Comment
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Laodicean is a religion that praises a Laotian strain of Christianity, known for its extreme deviations from traditional Christian Orthodoxy. Instead of one God, there are seventy, and they all do the same things, causing much confusion and disaster. Instead of the Holy Trinity, there’s the Wholly Quinitry, made up of the father, the son, the Holy Ghost, the sorcerer and the magician. And instead of Jesus, there is Josh, who is not the son of God (or the gods, whom are all named “God,” adding to the confusion), but rather his sexually confused half-nephew. Laodiceans, as they are called, worship not a cross but a hexagon, commemorating the unusual shape of God’s head. And rather than devote one morning a week to a “church service,” their entire lives are church services, with the eating of bread and wine replaced by the eating of human flesh and human blood. Some members of the Christian church question why Laodiceans are even recognized as part of their religion. Indeed, these naysayers point to the fact that missionaries have never traveled to the remote, entirely cut-off region of Laos where Laodicean was born and has thrived. They argue that Laodiceans have never even met a Westerner, while neighboring Laotians who have ventured into their land have been brutally murdered, eaten and used as communion. Laodiceans are even landlocked and couldn’t have even accidentally come in contact with shipwrecked Christian materials, as in the case of a cargo cult. But let these naysayers – these motherless bastards and perverts – naysay. Christianity is happy to have these feral, homicidal ruffians among their brood, and not simply to add numbers to the world’s Christian population. Others argue that Laodicean refers to the Hellenistic cities circa Ancient Greece’s Seleucid dynasty, as well as a novel by Thomas Hardy. But they’re wrong. – Matty Fatty

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  1. how did you find that out?


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