The Blues

May 14, 2009 at 12:24 pm | Posted in J. Frederick | 1 Comment

The Blues is not one disease, but rather an umbrella term for many hundreds of closely related conditions that can strike anyone, young or old, at any time.  Common symptoms include unhappiness, the wearing of porkpie hats, abdominal distension, and rectal bleeding.  The Blues was first discovered in the deep American South, where by ancient and very odd tradition doctors, being generally unreasonable, refuse to treat anyone who isn’t singing; thus was born the common practice of sufferers of the Blues crooning or “singing” their symptoms in the hopes that heartless doctors would condescend to cure them of their miserable ailment.  This evolved into the shameful practice of people pretending to have the Blues in order to further their musical career; these people are known by a variety of terms including “blues singers”, “frauds”, and “liars”.  There are new types of the Blues being discovered literally every day, but as of this writing here is but a sample of some of the most common strains:

Mississippi Blues
Tennessee Blues
Sudbury, Massachusetts Blues
Walkin’ Blues (aka “Ambulatory Blues”)
Woman Done Me Wrong Blues
Dry Gulch Blues
Mild Discomfort Blues
Slapdash Blues
Staunched Blood Blues
Untoward Blues
Sarcophagus Blues
Remaindered Memoir Blues
Mary Reilly Blues
Painful Swelling Blues
Saul Bellow’s “A Silver Dish” Blues
Purely Theoretical Blues
The “There Ain’t No Good Guys, There Ain’t No Bad Guys, There’s Only You And Me And We Just Disagree” Blues
1998 Blues
The Really Not All That Bad, As It Turns Out Blues
Slappy Waters Blues
Awkward Sleeping Arrangements Blues
Floyd Bannister’s Blues
Mousercise Blues
The Blues You Get When Your Favorite Movie Is Baps
Barglog Blues
Ruffians and Ne’er-do-wells Blues
Everyman’s Library Blues

And many more!  If you find yourself with any of these conditions, see your doctor immediately.  Just be prepared to sing to them, because otherwise they will turn you out into the cold without a second thought like the cold-blooded, miserly, lowlife crooks they are.  God, I hate doctors so much. – J. Frederick

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  1. “The “There Ain’t No Good Guys, There Ain’t No Bad Guys, There’s Only You And Me And We Just Disagree” Blues”? lol

    A bit reductivist, don’t you think? ; )

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