May 12, 2009 at 2:19 pm | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

newspaperI asked my great grandpappy about newspapers, and here’s his story:

“What? Go and get me a whiskey on the rocks and I’ll tell ya. And make sure grandma don’t see ya getting my beer ice. It’s in the back of the freezer behind the rhubarb.”

“Newspapers, huh? I don’t know what happened to my darn-friggin newspaper. Why I remember, not 14 years ago, I could get up out of my bed around 5am and pick up a nice warm copy of the news delivered right to my doorstep for mere nickels a day. Now the cratch-flagerty companies want dimes or even quarters for the same service. And nay! It is not even the same service, but a jern-konkulous abbreviated effort, where the articles are writ as summaries, not the informative stories they once were. I blame you flabber-skonking kids. Yer are all hoity-toity with your interweb nets or whatever you call it lookin up porn and having intercourse over the telephone with each other. And if it’s not that, then yer so high on drugs, you can’t keep your jum-pomperous minds in one place for more than a minute. So the papers cater to you youngsters as us old folks die off. That’s what you want isn’t it? Me to get out of your way so you can get your greedy, pimply hands on my mattress stash. Well, you’ll never get it. I’d burn this trailer to the ground before you Hoover my money.” (ed note: not sure if he meant Hoover [to take] like the brand of vacuum or as in depression era president Herbert Hoover). 

 “Now, newspapers, as I was tellin’, they used to report on news and events goin’ on. They told me the scores from the previous day’s game of rounders. They had little areas that had prices for the local grocer. Now, it is all full page advertisements for gosh-dinger places that are 30 miles away and things that I’ll never need or use. Like this. I don’t even know what Boscov’s is advertising. (great grandpappy reads…) ‘40% off items already 50% off.’ It looks like they are having a sale on numbers. Show me a garn-ripping product.”

“I don’t even know why I still get this. At least your grandma uses the funny papers as wrapping paper. And we do have a chuckle at who’s dead. I just saw that prick Eddie Brickle passed. Ha Prick! I outlived ya, you meddling sunnovabitch! Teach you to steal my hen eggs!”

And as my great grandpappy over excited himself and subsequently wound down into a deep snoring sleep, I discovered that the newspaper multifunctionally works as a blanket and an absorbent “accident/mess-pad” when placed under people like great grandpappy. Or pets. May newspaper’s physical paper form live long into the future. – Da Ritzenator

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