The Knave: Author Bio

May 1, 2009 at 8:36 am | Posted in Dr. Ortler Alp | Leave a comment

The pen name of “The Knave” conceals the name of one of the most sensitive and godly romance novelists of our day. Such works as Too Harsh the Rain, At His Command, and God Was Her First Love, but Zebediah Was Her Second bless the heart as they instruct the conscience. The Knave’s deep Christian devotion is evident in every comma of his works, and that comes as no surprise to those who know his working methods. The Knave refuses to kowtow to the pressure to press the keys of the Whore of Babylon, known to her worshippers as the “computer,” instead writing the Christian way on Bible paper with a Bible pen. He prays devoutly before setting down a single letter, and never allows himself to cheat God by any prayer shorter than 10 minutes. Nor does he backslide, like some so-called “Christians,” into silent, standing “prayers.” No, The Knave prays on his knees, and loudly, witnessing to all on his street. He does not allow whinging heathen neighbors or visits from the secular police to interrupt his holy communing with the Lord. Indeed, his very name, “The Knave,” is an expression of his humility before Christ, for are we not all knaves?


As a result of this devotion, The Knave’s novels are truly godly, unlike all other “Christian” “novels.” These soaring tales, or mission-fictions, as The Knave sometimes calls them, avoid the faults of other “religious” “texts.” The Knave does not sully his mission-fictions with such hellwords as “betting,” “dang,” and “tempting,” nor does he use such blasphemies as “For Heaven’s sake,” “Oh, God,” or the devil‘s abbreviation of “St.” for “Saint.”


Best of all, The Knave’s works are pure with the purity of a dewy rosebud – a white rosebud, not a sinful red one. There are no heaving bosoms here, no trashy, worldly “stories” filled with pagan baby-eating feminist witches with stupid names like “Archimedia” and emasculated, lonely Vikings trapped on desert islands and bitching at each other before reaching inter-cultural understanding through conversation and sweaty “massages.” No! The only massages that take place in his novels occur when the good wife massages her husband’s feet from her sleeping-place at the foot of his bed, and there are no “conversations” or non-white characters, only true-blooded American men giving orders to Christian gentlewomen with real names, like Jane. Most importantly, The Knave’s novels, of which The Princess and her Box of Treasure is only one example, are filled with the pure romance of mating with Jesus, and are devoid of smutty innuendo or double-entendres. – Dr. Ortler Alp


To order any of The Knave’s Christian mission-fictions, please call KL55555. They make great gifts! You can’t put a price on the jumpstart to God that The Knave can give you, but his publishers do: only $22.95 for each soul-stirring instructional volume.


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