April 23, 2009 at 8:34 am | Posted in Herman the Soothsayer | Leave a comment

Fiction is a jealous person’s derogatory term for alternative reality. These sad, pathetic people – like this guide’s own J. Frederick – regard anything that doesn’t happen within the limits of their own specific space-time continuum as a “lie,” unworthy of their attention or comment. Well, I’m here to tell you that fiction is every bit as REAL as the so-called “reality” these stormtroopers of intolerance, like J. Frederick, cling to so desperately. When my imaginary friend Mr. Snuggums calls me a “chowderhead,” it hurts every bit as much as if John Wayne said it to me, let me tell you. I cried for days. Even in the shower. When my imaginary dog died, I went catatonic for a whole month, and as a consequence nearly got fired from my job. But I’ll bet people like J. Frederick don’t think that’s “real” enough for them, that it’s just a big lie to be laughed at derisively HA HA HA HA HA. I SEND HALF MY PAYCHECK HOME TO MY DYING IMAGINARY MOM-MOM, J FREDERICK. If she had lost that money, the cold reality of unmicrowaved tomato soup would have been part of her every day life, because she wouldn’t have been able to pay the imaginary electric bill. But I guess that’s just all” fiction” to you tyrants of the here-and-now, isn’t it? @$#% you. – Herman the Soothsayer

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