April 22, 2009 at 8:28 am | Posted in Herman the Soothsayer | Leave a comment

French is a language spoken by people from France. Other places, like Quebec, Haiti, and Lyons, claim to speak French, but people in Paris know better. French is known as a Romantic Language, because many naïve girls have done something they later regretted after listening to French men. Often, these girls are captivated by the many beautiful French poems that have been written over the years. Here are some examples:


I sink zat I shall nevair zee

Aaae poem az lovelee az a tree[1]


Shall I compare zee to a zummer’s daie?

Zou art more lovelee et more temperate![2]


Are you weak in the knees having read those?  You know you are baby.  Zat’s right.  Let’s go beck to my plaice.


Besides being a great way to talk a girl into bed, French was also the international language of diplomacy in the eighteenth century.  In the nineteenth century, thanks to Napoleon and his nephew, “little” Napoleon (he was 3 feet, two inches tall and brought pots of gold to Irish drunkards prior to becoming French), French became the international language of war.   In the twentieth century, French became the international language of surrender.  This makes it the first language to win the “triple crown” of international conflict.  At the trophy ceremony, Sharles de Gaul, speaking on behalf of the French people, was heard to remark, “Zank you all for zis great honneur; if it had not been for ze discoverie of zautéed frog legs, we may nevair have been able to zurrender zo quicklie!”[3]


Today, in the twenty-first century, French has forged ahead into previously undreamt categories: it is now the international language of complaint.  Asked about future plans for the language, Language Admiral Nicholas Sarkozy said, “Ze zky iz ze limeet!”[4] – Herman the Soothsayer

[1] Loosely translated, this says, “O! what a lyric is a plant / I hope I see one before I can’t!”

[2] Strictly translated, this says, “What is the best way to describe you?  I give up.”

[3] “My Guuhd theez frug wegz urr great; tek dat Kermuh” (de Gaul was speaking with his mouth full of frog legs when he said this).

[4] Untranslatable.

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