April 10, 2009 at 11:45 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment
Easter is the sacred holiday where the big chair in the mall is occupied by a mystical cartoony rabbit, rather than the old guy with the beard. It is similar to Christmas because just like the big red guy, the real Easter Bunny sends its disciples out to various malls to…um…see children? To be honest, I’m not sure why they are there. The scary Santas at least take toy requests and report them back to the big guy. But what do mall bunnies do? I mean, I’ve seen it: kids go up to the bunny and sit on its lap to get a picture. But why? What happens in the interval between sitting and picture? Does anything transpire? And what makes it worse is that the rabbits are usually scarier than Cringle’s disciples. More children cry from the bunnies than the old guys, which ultimately ruins the only purpose: the picture. But I guess the malls and the Easter Bunny proper have a sweet deal worked out that benefits both ends as well as the bunny union. 

But what actually transpires on Easter is the sacred, mystical part. On Easter Eve, the Easter Bunny, along with its magical caravan of rein-mice, hops from house to house, squatting and laying candy filled eggs in hidden places and corners throughout the house. The eggs could also be filled with pennies (especially when the bunny visits grandma’s house). After it is exhausted from egg laying, it scampers back to its burrow at the south pole leaving behind a cloud of mystery and unanswered questions. Why does it do this? Perhaps it has to, once a year, birth all the eggs it can so that it can return to its normal, mammalian reproductive cycle. Perhaps it is more like a normal bunny, and instead of laying the eggs, it brings along a chocolate chicken to lay the goodie filled eggs. In any case, once Easter morning arrives, the young children run around the house trying to find all the hidden eggs because if they don’t find an egg, it turns into a spoiled boiled egg and reeks of sulphur. The children then feast on the candies that are sealed inside the eggs.


Communities and churches try to recreate events by hosting Easter egg hunts of their own on lawns. But instead of hiding the eggs, they placed the eggs in plain sight all over the field like pumpkins in pumpkin patch. A gun is shot or a gong is struck and the participants run chaotically across the field and into each other in order to collect as many eggs as they can. It is a brutal onslaught as kids dive at each other and fight to the death over the prettiest eggs. It is a contest to see who can beg, borrow, and steal the most eggs and come out on top at the end. From this, the producers of Mad Max got their slogan: “Many children enter, one child leaves.” The child with the most eggs is crowned champion and is awarded some grand prize like a case of Courvoisier. In short, we can all learn a valuable lesson from what Easter teaches children: how to sneak, lie and kill for your goals. And that is the spirit of Easter. – Da Ritzenator

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