IKEAApril 9, 2009 at 9:44 am | Posted in The Knave | 2 Comments
The IKEA tribe is made up of the decedents of a rebel contingent of Santa’s Elves who left the North Pole and settled in Sweden under the leadership of an especially tall elf named Ingvar Kamprad. In fact, the name of the tribe is an acronym formed by the words Ingvar Kamprad: Elven Antikringle. The Antikringle had originally left Santa’s insufferable kindness and generosity, because he was unable to sit through another dinner watching pieces of food collect in Claus’s beard, but leaving also allowed him to pursue what he really wanted to do with his life. This is how it went down. You may know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and even Johnny-come-lately Rudolph, but did you know that Donner and Blitzen were replacements? The seventh and eighth reindeer were originally named Dunder and Blixem, but
‘Twas two days before Christmas and up at the Pole,
All the workers had just met their ev’ry year goal.
On the next eve Santa would fly on his sleigh,
but now was a time for elves’ frolic and play.
They danced and they pranced and were all full of glee,
Except Ingvar Kamprad and conspirators three.
They had determined this would be the last night
That Santa’s crusty beard would cause such a fright.
The tallest of elves offered to prepare a meal,
But his special dish would be crueler than veal.
Out to the stables, Ingvar Kamprad did go
And soon found his prey by Rudolph’s red nose glow.
There stood two reindeer slightly apart from the rest.
They were the two reindeer that Santa liked best.
A quick stab and a slash of a sharp Ginsu knife
And both Dunder and Blixem soon lost each their life.
The others arrived to complete the caper
By wrapping the bodies in bright Christmas paper.
Carcasses in hand, from the stables they went;
Knowing full well what the grisly packages meant.
A young elf stopped the four as they made their way,
But Ingvar Kamprad always knew just what to say.
The inquisitive elf asked them what kind of gift
They carried that required each two elves to lift?
Ingvar told him the gifts were for the special feast—
A surprise for Santa to say the very least.
The elf wanted to know why packages would bleed?
Kamprad punched him and kicked him and then his groin kneed.
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
They must make things ready in the great kitchen hall.
With great care and sharp knives they removed all the hide,
They then diced up and sliced up what was inside.
Tonight the two coursers would not mount to the sky;
Instead they would be two courses served by and by.
With some carrots, potatoes, and some onions too,
Dunder was rendered into a delicious stew.
For a succulent main course that all would admire;
Blixem was slowly roasted over a fire.
Their dastardly deeds done, Ingvar and his friends
Served all a dinner for which there’d be no amends.
Santa picked up his fork and also his knife,
Unaware he was to get the shock of his life.
Kamprad laughed as he watched, in spite of himself,
At the chubby and plump, and sloppy old elf.
That jolly Father Christmas took one bite then two.
Not knowing what he ate he continued to chew.
The AntiClaus smiled and with the other three rose.
Each lay his middle finger aside of his nose.
Santa stopped eating and jumped up with a start.
What the four elves did next was to attack his heart.
Holding the antlers from Blixem and Dunder,
They revealed to Kringle what now slaked his hunger.
Without a word the four elves were rid of that jerk.
Ingvar Kamprad could now do his important work:
Make low-cost furniture from the cheapest of wood
And bring tasty meatballs to ev’ry neighborhood.
– The Knave