Danity KaneApril 3, 2009 at 8:58 am | Posted in The Knave | 4 Comments
Tags: Danity Kane
Danity Kane – you really shouldn’t know what Danity Kane is… or was. You shouldn’t. There is no reason whatsoever to use any of your brain storage capacity to retain any information relating to this name. You should also not use up valuable time and calories exercising your mind to obtain such knowledge. Yes, I know about Danity Kane. I do. It’s just one of those things I can’t unlearn. So here is my quandary. Do I impart my knowledge to you the reader? What if you are also unable to unlearn it? I’m not a doctor, so there is no rule that first I must do no harm. I can slap harm upside your face. But why? To what purpose? Why not spare you?
Imagine if you could have been spared everything you know about Paris Hilton or Brangelina or the Octomom? What could you have done with that extra brain space, that extra time?
Maybe you wouldn’t have stayed up until 4am waiting to download that One Night In Paris video from eMule and the next day would have amputated the correct leg in surgery. (Yes, you should use a Sharpie to write on yourself if you are planning to have anything removed. Just indicate which appendage is the correct one to lop off and which one you would like to keep. You don’t know how much sleep your doctor missed playing Halo 3 last night.)
Perhaps you could have forgone looking for a copy of the Daily News for those first pictures of Brad and Angelina’s baby and instead you could have bought your own child her insulin so she wouldn’t die. (Did you really think Pitt and Jolie genes would make a baby that looked any different than the one you can find in most mass-produced picture frames? I mean it’s just a baby for heaven’s sake.)
What if, rather than spending a week creating that ever-so-clever web animation of an octopus with a human head pulling eight babies out of its mantle cavity, you had actually had a doctor look at your polyp. (Really, if you are over 40, get a colonoscopy…they can even do virtual ones now, so you don’t have to have anything stuck anywhere unpleasant.)
Why not learn to speak Esperanto? You’ll never need it, but that would still be a better use of your time and brain space than knowing anything about The Hottie and the Nottie, Shiloh, Nadya Suleman, or Danity Kane. After all, it is the most widely spoken constructed international auxiliary language in the world!
Basically, learning about Danity Kane would probably prevent you from looking after some medical concern or another and might interfere with your learning something marginally less useless. Besides, it would be such a waste since the whole Danity Kane thing is over already anyway.
If you are like me and you already know about Making the Band, the anime character, Sean “Diddy” Combs, “Show Stopper”, “Damaged”, “Ride for You”, lineup changes, the Dollhouse and being welcomed to it, Aubrea, uncanny popularity in Lithuania, Amber Von Tussle, Complex Magazine, and have actually exposed your ears to the sound of them, it is just too late for you.
For everyone else, I’ve probably written too much already. If you hurry up and hit yourself really hard in the head right now, you may luck out and forget all you’ve just read. Whatever you do, don’t Google for information or try to learn more on Wikipedia. Oh, and before you attempt to self-induce amnesia, navigate to another page with information more important than Danity Kane: such as here, or if you do not mind profanity, here. Believe me, your health depends on it! – The Knave