April 2, 2009 at 11:07 am | Posted in Da Ritzenator | Leave a comment

Whisky is a warming “alcohol” product that you drink in the winter after your heat’s been shut off. As I’m writing this, it is changing outside from winter to summer, so I will miss its glorious heat giving properties. Although straight or on the rocks (rocks is slang for ice [or frozen water {or really frozen steam}]) are both good ways to drink it, Whisky is best mixed into warm apple cider. This concoction is perhaps the most euphoric drink ever imagined upon as there are no downsides. It kills insomnia. It makes bad movies funny. It gives the ugly a chance. It warms you on the inside, kinda like a microwave. And despite its horrific warnings, it actually does not get you drunk. It cannot be an intoxicant because Whisky is not alcohol. That it is alcohol is just another myth in the long line of popular myths like: “Beer gets you beat up,” “Gin gets you girls (or guys),” “Tequila gets you dizzy,” and “Can’t buy me love.”


As we all know, the prohibition era halted the production of all alcohol because everyone was happy and no one needed to make more money. But Whisky was still made, lobbied as a necessary medicinal drug. If we’ve learned anything from history, it’s that history is infallible and does not lie. Based on these simple facts, we have proved that Whisky is a legal, over the counter drug that can be written off on your healthcare reimbursement plan. But an alcohol, it is not. – Da Ritzenator

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