ThingsMarch 31, 2009 at 8:40 am | Posted in Herman the Soothsayer | 1 Comment
Things are the stuff that is lying around, often on the floor or melting on top of the radiator. There are all different kinds of things: fat things, skinny things, sharp things, broken things, expensive things, even fictional things; but the most common kind of thing is the dumb thing. Take my brother for instance. Now there’s a really dumb thing. For example, one time, when we were in high school, using only a pencil, a stopwatch, and a standardized test, he figured out exactly how stupid his girlfriend was, and he told her. Or was it how fat she was? I forget which. I guess I’m pretty dumb too. The point is, she dumped him as soon as he told her. Now that’s pretty dumb – especially when you consider he didn’t have to tell her, because he’d already mailed her results to her! But also, weirdly, it was kind of smart, since she was actually poisoning him while they were going out, so it saved his life.
Purists would argue that my brother isn’t, strictly speaking, a thing; that is why purists often get punched in the face. Maybe they should just learn to mind their own business! Purists, in fact, are another dumb thing: how can you even tell if something is pure or not? You can’t, and so, QED, purists are dumb. Just like most things. Except hats. Hats are awesome. Things. – Herman the Soothsayer