Da Ritzenator: Author Bio

February 22, 2009 at 11:58 pm | Posted in J. Frederick | Leave a comment

It will happen one day without warning, just like you always knew it would.  They prepared you for just this moment, and you won’t question it – you’ve been trained well.  You will awaken in an exotic city, Cairo or Taipei or Lima, and the peasant girl who seduced you the night before will be buttoning her frock coat, smiling, and leaving without a word – and there will be a dossier on the bed.  The names and the dates will be faintly familiar – oh it was so long ago! – and you will recall the lessons of your childhood – the Great Blog Wars, The Schism, the legendary names that now call you back home.  Your mission is so simple but so impossible to believe: Find Da Ritzenator, and ask him: Why?  You start the only way you can – find his old associates, scattered to every corner of the nation.  Matty Fatty, from behind his oak desk in his opulent penthouse office, overlooking the glittering metropolis he rules with an iron fist, will remove the cigar from his mouth, laugh in your face, and call security.  Jonny R Goode, standing next to his sun-baked cabin in the middle of the desert, surrounded by the rusting hulks of forgotten technologies, will give you a wistful smile, shake his head sadly, and turn back to repairing his solar generator.  J. Frederick will invite you up to his cramped, cluttered Chicago apartment and show you his 15,000 page manuscript, but will know nothing of value, and just rant like a madman and nag you for change and gum.  Of A. Kitty Bee you will find no trace at all – they say she was one of the first on the submarines down to the deep sea colonies.  But you’ve been trained well, and they selected you for his assignment for a reason, and it’s inevitable that you will find him eventually.  And there you will be, the two of you, you and Da Ritzenator himself, facing off, perhaps in a back alley in Lagos, or on the edge of a cliff with the ocean roaring below you, and you will look into that scarred visage and remember the stories – how he rose from a simple errand boy in a blog mill to the founder of Naïve’s Guide, and watched its empire spread; his legendary heroics in the Great Blog Wars; his daring escape as the Naïve’s Guide headquarters burned; how he and his fellows were torn apart by The Schism, and the adventures that every schoolboy now has memorized.  This man led the charge against the Kite Enthusiasts, and emerged triumphant, you will marvel.  But when you ask him to explain it all – in short, Why? – he will only shake his head.  You’re not ready for that,” he’ll say, and then you’ll realize you’ve been drugged, and will black out.  When you awake, and stumble out into a street you don’t recognize, you will hate yourself for your failure.  But then a friendly ice cream vendor will pass by, his fake mustache not quite right, and he’ll smile, tip his cap, and say “We got what we needed”, before pressing another dossier into your hands.  Another mission, just like you always expected.  You’ll be ready for it.  You’ve been trained well. – J. Frederick

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