January 26, 2009 at 3:03 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | 3 Comments

kiteA kite is a flimsy airborn object connected to a piece of string that people send into the sky on windy days. Why? No one knows. Scientists have labored since the days of Methusulah (the inventor of kites) to understand the enduring fascination with standing around outside during days one should be inside catching up on Netflix, holding onto a string connected to some whimsically floating aircraft. Kites don’t appear to serve any practical purpose. They can’t transport objects or people, unless said object or person is less than a pound. (In which case ahoy.) And as a form of meditation, they can’t beat meditation. And needless to say, you get too many kite-fliers in the same kite-flying spot and there’s bound to be a bloodbath of kite collisions and tangled kite string. Regardless, kite flying, or “kiting,” remains only the third or fourth most popular leisure activity on the planet, just behind sneezing. And kites have held their own throughout history. Benjamin Franklin used a kite to discover electricity, although it was really more the work of a plucky mouse, not the kite. Harriett Tubbman built up the largest ever collection of kites in her spare time, although she detested to fly them. Bonnie and Clyde were killed during an ill-timed kite-flying excursion. And contrary to popular myth, Nero flew a kite, not played the fiddle, as Rome burned. Kites were also intregal parts of the film, but not the book, “Doctor Zhivago,” the book but not the film of “The Kite Runner” (in which kites were replaced with marbles, though the title went unchanged) and all movie versions of “The Scarlett Pimpernel.” It was also a running gag with peanut Charles Q. Brown, who tended to run his kite into the abdomen of background characters, murdering them, then uttering his classic quotable, “There, I’ve killed again!” Matty Fatty


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  1. Wow. Drivel.

    If kiting is the 4th most popular leisure activity on the planet behind sneezing, then one and two for Mr. Fatty must be playing World of Warcraft in his underwear and testing out any penis enlargement product he can find.

    What I’m trying to discover is the practical purpose of this website.

  2. I love it when people get bored, start a blog, and make ignorant statements. It gives me something fun to laugh at when the wind dies and I cant fly kites 🙂

  3. Dear Kite Enthusiasts,

    Please accept my apologies for the untoward behavior of my colleague Matty Fatty. It was not the intention nor has it ever been the intention of this blog to disparage kites. Why, when Da Ritzenator himself founded this blog in 1994, he had but two mottos, the first being “Naïve’s Guide: to Edify, to Entertain, to Educate!” and the second being “Leave kites alone, they have done you no harm!” If there can be any acceptable excuse for Matty Fatty’s unseemly deeds, it’s that he is, truth be told, the newest and youngest member of our staff and, as far as we can determine, apparently comes from some kind of broken home. I remember well the day he arrived at Naïve’s Guide headquarters, shivering on our doorstep in the sub-frigid temperatures, licking wounds from some back alley scrape. Jonny R Goode and I carried him in, A. Kitty Bee prepared chicken soup and hot chocolate, and Da Ritzenator applied healing poultices (he didn’t really need them, but that’s Da Ritzenator for you). Within days Matty Fatty was as good as new, as frisky as a pup and looking like a million bucks. He refused to explain where he had come from, so we put him to work in our blog-writing mill, but this, as you have no doubt gleaned, is where the problems arose. With no regard for integrity, dignity, or our usual editorial policies, Matty Fatty chose to write about kites, a subject that, as we have since determined, he had only heard of for the first time ten minutes earlier. In short – and I shudder with shame at the implications of this – Matty Fatty’s post consisted entirely of wild, absurd lies that he just made up, which is something that we here at Naïve’s Guide simply do not condone. I can only, once again, beg your forgiveness, and I remain your humble servant,

    -J. Frederick

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