January 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm | Posted in Matty Fatty | Leave a comment

Sorry is a word that alleviates its user of any and all wrong deeds. It denotes that one has apologized for the act or acts in question, though one doesn’t necessarily have to mean it. It really doesn’t matter. Once uttered, the word automatically shifts the responsibility entirely to the wronged party or parties or whomever has taken over for said wronged party (or parties) if they are dead or just don’t care. They then have to forgive you. Or else. It’s terribly handy. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? Did you say “sorry” after you did it? No? Then that’s why you’re rotting in a jail cell. Hitler said “sorry” after WWII and he was let go; he then proceeded to accidentally shoot himself and his pretty new bride and then, also accidentally, doused them both in petrol and set themselves ablaze. On the other side of the spectrum, Eagle DeSean Jackson never apologized for chucking that football just before entering the end zone during the ‘08 season. He was promptly shot, doused in petrol and set ablaze. Right there in the stadium. Some people say “sorry” for nearly any transgression, even puny ones. Doing this, unfortunately, has the adverse effect of making people hate you for being too guilt-ridden. That’s why no one likes Mark David Chapman. People just don’t like guilt. The word “sorry” has been adapted for almost every medium. So far, it has become a game, a video game, a TV show from Britain, a 2002 Japanese film, countless songs (most of them by Ruben Stubbard), a heroic novel by Joseph Campbell, a disease, a jam and a radical new form of Marxism. Coming soon! Sorry: The Planet. Matty Fatty

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