Naive’s Guide To Everything in the World

Kids

Kids are miniature humans of low intelligence, endless wonder, even more endless energy and rancid odor. Much like their counterpoint – the aging, wrinkled human – they are in a near constant state of need, and require observation at all times by regular humans. Once a regular human takes their eye off a kid or kids, they will immediately engage in all sorts of devilish, wicked behavior, such as sling shot-shooting, cat-hurling or political coups. But when properly looked after, kids are a delight, and only come off as nuisances to miserable spinsters and lonely ne’erdowells. Kids’ main purpose is, of course, for amusement, as well as to offer a strange, skewed and perverted view on things we take for granted. Whereas you and I know how everything in the universe works, from how we got here to whether or not a tree makes a sound if no one’s there to hear it (it doesn’t), kids know nothing, and their awkward, ignorant or just plain stupid reactions to things their literally tiny minds can’t grasp is an endless source of fodder for television programs and YouTube videos. Kids satisfy an innate need in regular humans to condescend and dominate, and also provide much needed respite from regular human discussion, which is always sophisticated. Tired of discussing Proust? Get a kid. Acquiring a kid can be difficult, as no one knows where they come from. Some postulate Pluto. Others theorize that they come from inside female humans and are created by inserting the wobbly stick attached to the human male abdomen inside any one of the human female’s many orifices. You can try the latter, but it doesn’t always work. If it does work, beware: kids sometimes turn out evil. Your kid could either be a Damien, who can kill with its mind and bring about the end of days, or a child of the damned, who are born in large groups and feature uniformly blond hair, creepy eyes and telekinetic powers. – Matty Fatty