Naive’s Guide To Everything in the World

Hamburger

A hamburger is a roundish object you can eat, but should not be confused with a pancake or an orange.  Hamburgers are typically composed of many layers, or strata, of foodstuffs.  The outer layer is typically a breadishly good substance called a bün, unless you’re some sort of goddam commie.  The middle bit is either meat or meat with pickles on it.  Some goddam Reds put pineapples on theirs or some BS. Me?  I squirt out some ketchup on that shit like a true Patriot. That’s because all Warm-Blooded Americans use hamburgers to regulate their metabolism in such a way as to maintain a consistent body temperature, regardless of the ambient temperature of the outside environment, unless they’re some sort of goddam lizard.  A variation on the popular American Hamburger (a German invention –ed.) is a Cheeseburger, which adds a slice of good ol’ fashioned AMERICAN Cheese. (I enjoy a good Jarlsberg – ed.)  Some commie EDITORS I know of, who shall remain nameless (My name is Ed – ed.) like to put some sort of Fancy French Bullshit on their burgers. (Jarlsberg is Norweigian – ed.)  As far as I’m concerned, such folk can grow scales, walk on all fours, and eat moths with a forked tongue, ’cause they ain’t no AMERICAN HUMAN BEING.  (Fuck you – ed.)  Did I mention a hamburger goes great with a side of Freedom Flies, er, Fries? – Jonny R Goode