Naive’s Guide To Everything in the World

A “trek” is a slow and arduous journey, much like watching an episode of the quaint future fantasy serial known as Star Trek. There are several different kinds of Star Trek, each more tedious than the last.

1.       The one with the TJ Hooker and a pointy-eared half breed: Hours and hours of looking at screens, talking in meeting rooms, walking around sound stages decorated with Styrofoam rocks, and lusting over somewhat attractive women in soft lighting. They also walk down halls a lot. The only excuse for watching this show was the fact that Star Wars didn’t exist yet.

2.       The one that’s a pointless cartoon of TJ Hooker and a pointy-eared half breed: no one knows why this exists. Imagine Star Wars: Droids, but written and animated by a GNK power droid. You thought watching people watching a screen and walking around in sandy and rocky areas was boring? Imagine drawings of that happening.

3.       The one with the unknown British Shakespearean actor playing a bald Frenchie and there’s also an annoying gimp boy: They triple down on the walking down hallways and they meet in conference rooms too. Did I mention the looking at screens? Whenever something interesting looks like it might happen, the gimp boy shows up to crush the entertainment value out of the scene by being obnoxious. The creators knew how terrible of a mess they had made so half of the episodes take place on a holo-deck, which allowed the actors to escape the Star Trek universe for one less crappy. If only the audience could have had such an opportunity. (Fun Fact: Eventually the unknown English actor who played the captain would escape the role and appear as King Richard in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.)

4.       The one on a space station orbiting a single planet so that there actually isn’t a trek in the stars: Really? This was a show? It’s like making a seven year long show about the administration of Stenness Hyperspace Terminal and the private lives of the employees…only suckier.

5.       The one with the computer animated Katherine Hepburn and the blond chick with microchips glued to her face: (aka ST, Roam Home) Ship goes far away. Ship comes back seven years later. They look at screens and walk down halls.

6.       The one with the bad singing at the beginning: Don’t know anything more about it. Never met anyone who got past the bad singing.

There are also several film versions.

·         Star Trek: I-VI aka the movies that don’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as the movies to be named in a different sentence. Those other films are to Star Wars IV, V, and VI as the lameness of the 13 year-old girl who lost the Queen of Naboo election to Padmé Amidala is to coolness of Han Solo in the scene in Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina where he says:  “Yeah, I’ll bet you have,” then he shoots Greedo first, flips Wuher a coin, and says, “Sorry about the mess.”

·         Star Trek: Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, and Nemesis aka the movies that are way worse than Star Wars I, II, and III

·         Star Trek: the reboots aka the movies that are worse than Star Wars VII, VIII, and IX will be.

·         To simplify: no Star Trek movie is even close to being as good as Ewoks: The Battle for Endor .

At its best, any version of Star Trek is about half as good as the Star Wars Holiday Special. At its worst, watching Star Trek is twenty times worse than being slowly devoured by a sarlacc. –Darth Trovert